.nine.

starlit night follow teary eyed fights. maybe it's the alignment of the sun, the moon and the stars. yet i can barely see through the translucence of the salt. trip over my words, my feet, face first on the pavement. i was never sure which sting was worse, but there we lay face to face in grass, staring in each other's eyes, and still denying physicality. if you kiss her it will all be over. four hours of never ending love, if you kiss her it will all be over. i couldn't sleep, she couldn't sleep, then the moment would disappear and what we had imagined for so long might slip away into the darkness. brown eyes always seem to come about whether you like it or not. i always loved blue, but have never been able to find them. it is not necessarily that i mind the brown but a bit more vibrancy is always appreciated. there was a faint smell of orange that i could not shake and i'm sure i had more than a hint of tobacco on my shirt. coffee, clove, run inside, too cold. assumption of positions. back to the eyes. it's always a turning point to look in one's eyes. as deep as you gaze you only long more to know what they are thinking, to tickle their soul, but always to no avail. it's really a fruitless endeavor. there is no secret gateway. maybe what is laid out in front of you is more than what you have for this moment, maybe it's what you will have for the rest of your life, or maybe it's just a glimpse of what could have been. don't tell anyone, it's always our little secret. not mine but ours, our first bond i guess the one thing we would have in common no matter what happened, we would have this secret to hide. not that is was something to be ashamed of but that it would be something much better left between just the two of us, no one else need know. eventually we had come to the point of the undeniable, and we had to deal with the situation at hand, or it might make for an awkward tomorrow. the puzzle worked well and neither would admit that the plan had been achieved for it was serendipitous, as we lied to each other.

a quick aside

a few people recently have asked me what's up with music. we were hitting the scene pretty hard for a couple months and things have certainly slowed up, this is a personal decision on my part. i'm finishing up my final semester in college, ali is earning her masters, miller is finishing up his semester of teaching and steve wishes he could quit his computer job and play music full time. aside from this all of us are active in several other musical projects at this time and are very busy gigging. in the meantime we're all working diligently on a new demo, and shuffling a few things up and possibly adding a couple new members to solidify our rhythm section. we'll be back in full swing come july, although we have a few dates booked in may and i've heard rumors of a couple dates in austin, LA, and san diego in june, just a rumor, maybe. we've also been kicking around the idea of a little tour with our friends teh missing keys in august. we'll be back soon, stay tuned, and relax with a glass of wine, now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

in the meantime please look us up on virb (www.virb.com/papillonsetouragans)

.eight.

i wonder to myself how many nights you cried yourself to sleep before i bothered to notice. the wood paneling had become a bit dated at this point, a might too neo seventies for my taste. every night the television would blare its insults and i don't know how i lasted this long. it wasn't for the fact that perfection was lost, but brown eyes always did bore me, as invigorating as i know they can be. i have a thing for brown eyed girls, subconsciously i take it at least. i never was one to be attracted to settling down until i met you, and maybe i never will be again. it's been a while now. over half a year since i last saw you and your face has started to melt from my memories, it did after a week or so, i never was one for facial recognition which is a shame for someone who knows as many as i do. i'll always remember some things, smells mostly. that lilac scent and the brisk ocean air, the waft of sheets that had settled in a bit too much and did no want to be removed. they always stayed there. you always said you wanted excitement but i think it was truly me who yearned for something more. that wood paneling stared at me every night, i really hate the distinct decorating disadvantage of a textured wall, some sort of gaudiness abounds and try as you might it can not really be overcome. you can cover the lackluster color in the most beautiful paintings the earth has to offer, yet underneath it all there is still that faux wood grain finish. 1/16" deep veneer. probably vinyl. it flexed a bit when i would press up against it, poorly installed. but life's not about perfection, we only strive to be the best mediocre entity that we can, acceptable in the eyes of our peers, in the heart of our love. and i wonder how i am to better myself, when i have lost my sense of decency, my longing to follow my dreams, i was stuck with contentment, although i would not mark this as a bad thing. no forward motion. stagnancy in water breeds algae and maybe that's what i had become, laying on that steel frame. it wasn't comfortable but it's where i was, where i was going, and where i had been. i couldn't lift it myself to move, and it had to come with me, i could not leave it behind. that would be another life, another world, one i have been denying for too many years now, and still shirk the responsibilities of to this day but now i'm here, writing, reading, living, breathing, moving forward, smiling. i just feel a certain amount of reluctancy in accepting my former apathy. i wish i had noticed your tears earlier, but i didn't have it in me. i needed to move, stretch my legs and move on. i can't let myself settle. not with that wood paneling surrounding me, god how i hate that wood paneling.