.eight.

i wonder to myself how many nights you cried yourself to sleep before i bothered to notice. the wood paneling had become a bit dated at this point, a might too neo seventies for my taste. every night the television would blare its insults and i don't know how i lasted this long. it wasn't for the fact that perfection was lost, but brown eyes always did bore me, as invigorating as i know they can be. i have a thing for brown eyed girls, subconsciously i take it at least. i never was one to be attracted to settling down until i met you, and maybe i never will be again. it's been a while now. over half a year since i last saw you and your face has started to melt from my memories, it did after a week or so, i never was one for facial recognition which is a shame for someone who knows as many as i do. i'll always remember some things, smells mostly. that lilac scent and the brisk ocean air, the waft of sheets that had settled in a bit too much and did no want to be removed. they always stayed there. you always said you wanted excitement but i think it was truly me who yearned for something more. that wood paneling stared at me every night, i really hate the distinct decorating disadvantage of a textured wall, some sort of gaudiness abounds and try as you might it can not really be overcome. you can cover the lackluster color in the most beautiful paintings the earth has to offer, yet underneath it all there is still that faux wood grain finish. 1/16" deep veneer. probably vinyl. it flexed a bit when i would press up against it, poorly installed. but life's not about perfection, we only strive to be the best mediocre entity that we can, acceptable in the eyes of our peers, in the heart of our love. and i wonder how i am to better myself, when i have lost my sense of decency, my longing to follow my dreams, i was stuck with contentment, although i would not mark this as a bad thing. no forward motion. stagnancy in water breeds algae and maybe that's what i had become, laying on that steel frame. it wasn't comfortable but it's where i was, where i was going, and where i had been. i couldn't lift it myself to move, and it had to come with me, i could not leave it behind. that would be another life, another world, one i have been denying for too many years now, and still shirk the responsibilities of to this day but now i'm here, writing, reading, living, breathing, moving forward, smiling. i just feel a certain amount of reluctancy in accepting my former apathy. i wish i had noticed your tears earlier, but i didn't have it in me. i needed to move, stretch my legs and move on. i can't let myself settle. not with that wood paneling surrounding me, god how i hate that wood paneling.